Flu-mageddon

Running score:

Flu 3,452,964,275  Mankind: 0

This is worse than Steve Spurrier's Florida Gator days when he ran up the score on Alcorn State A&M.  Go go Danny Wuerffel!  I think I'm the first person to mention Danny Wuerffel on the internet since 1996.  

So I came down with the flu last week and it made me into a blithering drooling snot-infested invalid.  Nothing is more fun than sitting in your own bed for 4 days going through countless pills and half contemplating your own funeral.  If you haven't gotten your flu shot, I highly suggest you get it.  Also, don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.  

While I was laying on my bed secretly hoping that I would fall into a 3 day coma, I thought about a few things between my bouts of chills, cold sweats and coughing fits. 

First, that the name of this flu strain doesn't do it justice.  I think the CDC should hire Michael Buffer annually to introduce the strains circulating our little globe as he would be infinitely more adept at simply showing how powerful these viruses are and how useless our remedies can be.    

(Thunderstruck by AC/DC is playing in the background)

"In the blue corner, standing in at 120 nanometers with an undefeated professional record spanning the length of time, the undisputed crusher of work weeks and loved ones, Type A "Mad Dog McCraeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" H5N2"  

(The entrance music for Glass Joe from Mike Tyson's Punchout begins to play)

"In the red corner, standing in at 8oz with a defeated professional record, the laughing stock of remedies, Thera "Ain't no way in hell this is going to make me feel better" Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuu"

If we promised that we could get Megan Fox to hold up the fight cards, we could probably sell this to UFC/Dana White and nerdy infectious disease specialists would most likely pay to watch.  I'd pay $5 to see this so long as Don King was standing behind the petri dish and steaming cup of Theraflu waving small flags of the United States.

Anyways, I'm recovering now.  I'm still not 100% but at least I'm now taking showers again and my wife has taken off the hazmat suit and doesn't look at me all crazy like every time she comes into the room, much like Renee Russo did when she realized she pricked herself with a needle in Outbreak.  

So moral of the story, don't make out with stowaway monkeys that escaped from Korean cargo ships. 

That's all I have for this post.  My brain is still mush.  I know I said I pondered a few things but I lied.  I flat out lied.  I barely pondered at all during the flu.  I really just sat there with my head in my hands secretly hoping to be torn limb from limb by an escaped pack of spotted hyenas as I thought it would at least put an end to my suffering.  

Sadly, we're fresh out of spotted hyenas up here in Boston.  Screw you Pangea.  

Taking the leap

As much as we like to think we're swashbuckling, risk taking trail blazers, the vast majority of us timid and risk averse.  Much to Mr. Frost's dismay, we take the road most often traveled.  We return to our comfort foods without pausing to hear the specials of the day.  We converse in the same circles and rarely change our ways.

Striking out on your own, away from the handrail and our microwaved sanitized world is scary.  Many pitfalls abounds.  Financial ruin.  A ruined meal.  Failure to see it through.

Most, importantly, caverns of scorpions and  ravenous alligators.

However, is it really that scary?  Is the world as cold and jaded as we've made it out to be?

I remember the first "big" risk I took.  I ran for 6th grade student body president of my elementary school.

I know what you're thinking.  That I promised that the water fountains would be replaced with soda.  That math hour and history hour would be replaced with recess.

Nope, I struck out on my own.  I came up with a skit where I had built a time machine and tried to convince my classmates that the world was a terrible place all because they didn't vote for me but I had come back in time to show that they had another chance to make things right.  It was very well acted with me playing the role of the dashing and brilliant mad scientist trying to alter the world's path into a more benevolent alternate universe.  Much like every foreign film nominated for the Oscars, it was given high marks in artistry, acting and script but unfortunately, nobody gave a flying poop.  

The first takeaway from that is that I believe Fox News owes me massive amounts of royalties due to my intrepid use of fear mongering and faulty science.

Second, did I win?  Oh hell no.  I got my face smashed in.  I think I came in third with second place going to Optimus Prime as a write-in candidate.  In his defense, technologically advanced alien robots would probably do a better job in administering tater tot Wednesdays in the cafeteria than I would have.

Optimus Prime:  Eat your starch-based sustenance carbon-based life form as it will help with your cellular development, energy output and neuroplasticity.
Student #1:  Huh?
OP:  (sigh)  Tater tots will help you in kickball and your math test.  Proceed to consumption meat bag.
Student #1:  What if I'd rather just eat bugs under the tree?
OP:    (resists urge to vaporize)  Here's a juice box.  Enjoy.

All your vote are belong to us

I tried.  I took a chance.  After I had taken my lumps, eaten my consolation dinner of Little Ceasar's pizza and wondered if I could show my face in class again, I realized I had at least put the bat in my hands and took a swing.

It might have been a spastic untrained swing but at least I didn't take strike three looking (Oh hai A-Rod!) or worse, not even show up to the game.

Taking a chance isn't about being oblivious to the inherent risks behind a decision or ignoring common sense.  It's not thinking that Beanie Babies are an investment to go long on in 2007 and that I will totally be able to claim my 10% of the deposed Congo princeling's family fortune if I just show up to Madrid with a valid email and blood type.

It doesn't have to be grand undertaking either.  It can be as simple as trying a new dish at your local restaurant, striking up a conversation with someone standing in line with you or taking a class at your local community center.  If you can manage the risk, by all means, shoot for the moon.  If you miss, at least you'll see some stars.