Flu-mageddon

Running score:

Flu 3,452,964,275  Mankind: 0

This is worse than Steve Spurrier's Florida Gator days when he ran up the score on Alcorn State A&M.  Go go Danny Wuerffel!  I think I'm the first person to mention Danny Wuerffel on the internet since 1996.  

So I came down with the flu last week and it made me into a blithering drooling snot-infested invalid.  Nothing is more fun than sitting in your own bed for 4 days going through countless pills and half contemplating your own funeral.  If you haven't gotten your flu shot, I highly suggest you get it.  Also, don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.  

While I was laying on my bed secretly hoping that I would fall into a 3 day coma, I thought about a few things between my bouts of chills, cold sweats and coughing fits. 

First, that the name of this flu strain doesn't do it justice.  I think the CDC should hire Michael Buffer annually to introduce the strains circulating our little globe as he would be infinitely more adept at simply showing how powerful these viruses are and how useless our remedies can be.    

(Thunderstruck by AC/DC is playing in the background)

"In the blue corner, standing in at 120 nanometers with an undefeated professional record spanning the length of time, the undisputed crusher of work weeks and loved ones, Type A "Mad Dog McCraeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" H5N2"  

(The entrance music for Glass Joe from Mike Tyson's Punchout begins to play)

"In the red corner, standing in at 8oz with a defeated professional record, the laughing stock of remedies, Thera "Ain't no way in hell this is going to make me feel better" Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuu"

If we promised that we could get Megan Fox to hold up the fight cards, we could probably sell this to UFC/Dana White and nerdy infectious disease specialists would most likely pay to watch.  I'd pay $5 to see this so long as Don King was standing behind the petri dish and steaming cup of Theraflu waving small flags of the United States.

Anyways, I'm recovering now.  I'm still not 100% but at least I'm now taking showers again and my wife has taken off the hazmat suit and doesn't look at me all crazy like every time she comes into the room, much like Renee Russo did when she realized she pricked herself with a needle in Outbreak.  

So moral of the story, don't make out with stowaway monkeys that escaped from Korean cargo ships. 

That's all I have for this post.  My brain is still mush.  I know I said I pondered a few things but I lied.  I flat out lied.  I barely pondered at all during the flu.  I really just sat there with my head in my hands secretly hoping to be torn limb from limb by an escaped pack of spotted hyenas as I thought it would at least put an end to my suffering.  

Sadly, we're fresh out of spotted hyenas up here in Boston.  Screw you Pangea.